nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
