I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
