Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
