i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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