If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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