i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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