Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
