im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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