please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
