Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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