We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
