just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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