Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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