Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
