I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
