she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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