Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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