nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
