I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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