Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
