I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize