im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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