Ambien. No doubt about it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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