And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
