if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
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He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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