Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
