Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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