this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
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I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants