Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
