It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
