Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
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I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
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I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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