I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
