I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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