The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
