So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
