You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
