I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
