Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
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Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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