my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
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So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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