I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
