He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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