So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
