Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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