bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
