my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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