and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
