He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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