i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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