I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
