I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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