apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
