Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
