Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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