Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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