Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Randomize
